I belong to a group online that consists of about 150 women who were due in October and now have babies Henry's age. There are lots of posts on different topics, but a recent one regarding "Your baby's routine" got me thinking. I asked Henry to weigh in with his thoughts. Of course, thanks to Oprah, I had no problems interpreting his version. Here it is...
Well, I guess you could call it a routine...
Wake around 7:30am, eat in bed. Coo and smile at Daddy until he leaves for work. Grunt, groan and cry and then finally poop. Wait until Mom has closed diaper tabs and maybe zipped pajamas back up and then poop again.
Fuss until Mom paces the entire apartment with me her shoulder. Pass out. Mom lays me in my Amby hammock and turns on the monitor. Wait with my eyes shut until I sense that she has just put the conditioner in her hair, but not yet washed her body. Once it is in her hair, start screaming. Forget about waiting for her to shave her legs. That might make Daddy pay more attention to her and less to me. She comes out dripping wet and flash her a cute smile...
Let her lay me on the bed and pretend to look at the pretty watercolors of Bermuda while she tries to get dressed. As soon as she gets her bathrobe off, cry until she picks me up again. It is fun to watch her get dressed REALLY fast and have to comb her hair and brush her teeth while holding me. Sometimes, I just stick out my lower lip and let it quiver while tears pool in my eyes. My pediatrician says I am very advanced because I have real tears already!
Fall asleep on her shoulder again while she tries to make breakfast with one hand. Silly mom will then try to put me in my bouncy seat while she eats breakfast. If I am feeling nice, I will let her eat a little before waking up again. But, it is a lot more fun to sleep on her lap while she eats. Lots of my PJs have food stains on them but it is worth it!
Finally she gives up and puts me in my stroller. Make her push me around the neighborhood for an hour while I sleep like a king. Once we get home, I rest a little longer in my stroller. No sense sleeping in my nice comfy hammock or crib when I have this stroller! Sometimes, I will sleep long enough for her to eat a slice of pizza or something while we are out. But, just to keep her on her toes I crack open one eye periodically. This forces her to rock my carriage back and forth with her foot while she tries to read her book. She needs the exercise anyway!
Repeat this routine of eating, sleeping, smiling and crying whenever she puts me down all day. I will play for a while and do my tummy time so that she has sometime to report to the pediatrician. Once Dad gets home, let him take one quick walk down the hallway with me before he puts me to sleep in my bed. Stay in there for 2 hours napping peacefully so he can show Mommy how EASY it is...
Right at 10pm when Daddy goes to bed get very alert so that Mom has to stay up really late with me! Finally, go to sleep about two hours later but insist on sleeping next to her in bed with my arms spread wide so that she is very squished in the middle. Get up every 2-3 hours all night long (peeing through my diaper onto my pajamas once for good measure) so that she doesn't forget about me. Start it all again the next day!
Special ways to mix the routine up...If she decides to get really brave and take me shopping in the baby bjorn, I pant and swing my head back and forth in her cleavage so that she gets really embarrassed. I like to make sure strangers know how I get my food! Or, if she decides to take me on the subway (carrying my stroller down three flights of stairs) I wait until we are 10 minutes from home and then scream at the top of my lungs. Strangers start to ask if she has a "bottle of milk for me or something." Wait until some nice old lady gives up her seat to my mom and she has to take me out of the stroller on a crowded, moving train. Stop crying immediately!
Signed,
Henry R. Schnell
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