A Study in Contrasts

This whole pregnancy experience has such a mixed bag of emotions. I am so amazed that I can have such differing feelings on so many topics at the same time. Some examples of things rolling around in my head lately:

• How much I love the experience, but can't wait for it to be over. Since it was so hard for us to get to this point, I am pretty surprised by this feeling. I love the first hand view of all of the changes that are going on with the baby, and I consider the process truly miraculous. I am thrilled that I am the one who gets to experience it. But, I am really tiring of the physical demands. I am not having a tough time per se with fatigue, backaches, and swelling like most women, but the nausea and vomiting, going to the bathroom a million times per day, the restless legs, lack of appetite and food aversions, lack of bladder control every time I sneeze or vomit (sorry to any men reading this, but most of my readers can relate), difficulty sleeping etc. are really starting to wear on me. I try not to tell people that I want it to be over soon very often, because they look at you like you are an ungrateful jerk. But I tell you, 7 and 1/2 months of puking your brains out and being disgusted by 99% of the things you eat gets a little old after a while!

• How much I love the care and attention, but hate being so dependent. Adam has been an absolute champ throughout this whole thing. He is a terrific help and caregiver. He will do almost everything I ask, and many things I don't ask for. Being on the receiving end of so much generosity can sometimes make you feel guilty and weak. Yes, I know, he does all of these things because I am carrying the baby, but what about him? I feel like I am not in a position to reciprocate at all. I just look forward to the chance to be on equal footing again.

• How I love that my generation has choices about whether to work or stay home, but resent the fact that society thinks I am the only one who has to make them. I have the benefit of a college education and a great job that I enjoy. I need to choose between this and taking care of my own child. My mother's options were beauty school or wife and mother at 20 years old. College was not even in the equation, just because she was female. There basically was no choice for her. I don't know if this gave her the freedom and license to throw herself fully into the task at hand, because there was no guilt about picking the wrong option. She did a great job on all fronts, so maybe that is the case. I am asked at least once per week by family, friends and complete strangers what I plan to do once the baby is born. I would guess that Adam has never been asked this even once. I can tell by the way most people ask that they have a pre-conceived notion as to what my answer "should" be based on how they feel, and that they are making some sort of judgement on what I am doing. If I say that I want to stay home, I am perceived as not serious about my job. I am putting my career on hold, while Adam can continue to develop his. If I say I want to go back to work, I am a bad mother or selfish or people assume we don't have the money for me to stay home. At this point, I have no idea what I plan to do. I have never had a baby before, so I don't know how I will feel. I know it is not anyone's business, but I am not used to feeling people are making judgements about me.

Anyway, these are some things jumping around in my head. Sorry for such a crabby post! Probably due to the fact that I am positively melting these days! I look forward to getting to work just for the central air conditioning. The subway ride there is positively brutal! I look like a wet rag when I get to there.

Not much else going on. Off to bed.